Well Republicans, I understand you’re all a little bit angry right now. That’s understand in the sense of being aware that you’re all a little bit angry right now. I don’t understand in the sense of sympathizing because I’m a Democrat and as such I think your ideas are almost uniformly terrible. But I think I can move past the freude that frankly I’m not all that schaden about in regards to the cuffing around you so soundly absorbed from the electorate a couple of weeks ago. I think I can calmly and objectively give you some advice that will help put your train wreck of a party back on track.
I don’t offer this advice because I want to see your party succeed in any way because as I said I find most of your ideas to be stinko to the core. No, I tender this advice because down the road when my party punches you in the mouth again and again I want to know we’re punching a real political party in the mouth and right now your party isn’t one of those. The other reason I impart this sage counsel is that I have several friends who claim allegiance to the GOP, people who are not nearly the delusional chowderheads that most of you are but who out of party loyalty are sticking with your delusional chowderheadism. I’d like to be able to have a civilized conversation with these people again someday. Showing you the error of your ways may be the only way to do it.
Inasmuch as I can show you the error of your ways. I know I can’t change your ideas and as I have already indicated, I long ago assessed your ideas to be more or less crud on a crutch. But let’s put that to the side for the moment.
You see Republicans, I’ve been where you are right now. There have been times when the Democrats were a coast-to-coast joke. We’ve had our moments, prolonged moments, when no thinking person could take us the least bit seriously. We’ve had crummy candidates speak for us who ran campaigns so incompetent you’d think they were involved in some sort of electoral Black Sox scandal in which they’d been paid off by gamblers betting on the other candidate. In short, all the things that are true about you right now have at times been true about us.
Except of course we didn’t have your ideas and as I’ve made clear, I see your ideas as intellectual landfill.
But we can’t do much about your ideas, miserably rotten as I judge them to be. The fact is that there actually are people who go for your ideas which I of course deem to be so much half-baked gobbledygook. But what about everyone who isn’t them or me? How did you manage to so thoroughly alienate all those undecided voters whom once you managed to convince of the rightness of mumbo-jumbo like simultaneously cutting and taxes and increasing defense spending? What turned them so decidedly off?
Well, let’s go back to something I said earlier. The part where I referred to you as delusional chowderheads. That’s what it really comes down to: cutting out the delusional chowderheads. Right now the delusional chowderheads are the ones making all your decisions. They’re the face of your party. They’re the driving force behind the Republican Party right now and they’re killing it.
No as I indicated, I don’t mind too much that they’re killing your party because I’m a Democrat and on a good day I feel this country needs your ideas like it needs a hole in the head.
The problem is I can’t even talk to Republicans any more. No rational person can.
Every time we try to get you guys on the phone we get Ann Coulter picking up on the other end saying “hello traitor.” How are we supposed to talk to a person like that? We’re talking about a woman who honestly believes that anyone to the left of her (and as near as I can make out Vlad the Impaler is to the left of her) is treasonous, actually out to intentionally harm the country. That is lunacy. It is lunacy being pedaled by one of your party’s leading spokespeople.
It would be easy enough to ignore this psychotic harpy if she were unique. She isn’t, not even close. Right now, the Republicans have embraced a whole rogue’s gallery of people to lead the way for them, whom their base utterly deifies, who if they were where they belonged, would be in a hospital.
Sean Hannity told a national television audience that Hurricane Sandy was “Obama’s Katrina.” Almost no one who remembers both disasters sees it this way. Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey,a Republican, could not say enough good things about the Federal government’s response to the disaster. Sean Hannity is not in touch with reality. Sean Hannity is about as sane as Coulter which is to say not at all. And yet there is a line out the door and around the corner of Republican officeholders and candidates to be on Hanity’s show on Fox News.
Donald Trump is really and truly convinced Barack Obama is not a citizen of the United States and therefore cannot legitimately be the President. He barks repeatedly about wanting to see Obama’s birth certificate which has been published several times over. Donald Trump is barking mad. Mitt Romney jumped for joy to receive his endorsement during Romney’s failed presidential bid.
Todd Akin said there was such a thing as “legitimate rape.” He also said that if a pregnancy resulted from rape a woman’s body was able “to shut that whole thing down.” Physicians and scientists the world over were incapable of keeping a straight face hearing such a whopper. Todd Akin believes something that simply isn’t so. Believing something that isn’t so is what we call nuts. Todd Akin was not disowned by his party. He was not just left to his own self-immolation. His party rallied around him.
Karl Rove vehemently denied that Barack Obama had in fact clinched the presidential election when he won Ohio even though every single media network on the face of this planet was calling it that way, including the one he was appearing on when he was loudly indulging his fantasy. Karl Rove was watching a different game than everybody else. He was seeing things that weren’t there. That is what is commonly and accurately called crazy. Karl Rove is a leading GOP fundraiser and strategist.
Mitt Romney, the Republican candidate for President of the United States, said to a group of wealthy donors and then allowed to be known worldwide that he figured anyone who didn’t vote for him, by his own admission about half of the population, was essentially a worthless freeloader. After word of this nonsense got out, he still really and truly believed he would and should be elected President. That is bonkers on two fronts: believing half the country is a bunch of lazy layabouts and then thinking you’re going to so much as win dog catcher after this becomes public knowledge.
John Schnatter, founder and CEO of Papa John’s Pizza, has vowed to increase the price of his pizzas and cut back employee hours because making Papa John’s compliant with the Affordable Care Act will be such a dreadful hardship on his multimillion dollar franchise. Zane Tankel, Applebee’s restaurant magnate, is promising to adopt a similar stance. They honestly think they’re being noble and displaying the courage of their convictions and not playing protest politics with people’s lives. There’s what John Schnatter and Zane Tankel see and what everyone else with healthy brain chemistry sees.
This litany of loopy leads me to one unfortunate conclusion: a large measure of the Republican Party has gone clean off the deep end brought the rest of the party down with them.
Now granted Republicans, you’ve always had plenty of wackos in your ranks. But at least we all knew they were wackos and treated them as such. We all could see Jerry Falwell was a buffoon. We could all largely ignore hime while we Democrats engaged you Republicans and the likes of Regan, George H.W. Bush and the rest of the real party leadership in a debate over your ideas. This of course was a debate we Democrats were happy to have because as I think I stated earlier, your ideas would need to bathe in hogwash to make it to the level of claptrap. Now we can’t have that debate because you can’t have any kind of real argument with crazy people. We can’t get a word in edgewise to your well-balanced members over all the hysterical shrieking.
In a bygone era, Falwell was a sideshow freak. Now he’d be the ringmaster. And that right there is what you have to fix.
Cut loose the bonkers brigade. Lose Sean Hannity’s number. In fact, take Fox News off your speed dial altogether. If you want independents to take you seriously, you have to be covered by serious journalists and no sane person anywhere thinks that Fox News is anything even close to serious journalism. Remind Donald Trump of the long-standing and sensible rule in civilized society about how anyone who appears in a reality show is no longer to be listened to even a little bit about anything. Get Todd Akin to shut his legitimately big fat mouth down. Karl Rove is so corpulent he counts as his own state– encourage him to secede. Book Ann Coulter the room at Bellevue she so desperately needs. Find a deep dark cave and tell Mitt Romney a teacher’s union is hiding in it. After he runs in to go after them roll a boulder over the entrance. Make everyone and I mean everyone in your party stop calling half the country irresponsible sloths and just sedate John Schnatter and Zane Tankel.
Disown the lunatics instead of endorsing them. Distance yourself from the psychopathic voices in your party instead of letting them do all your talking for them. It’s the only way intelligent and/or unenrolled voters will or should ever give you the time of day again.
Then your party and my party can get back to the business of arguing over ideas again. I would love that– especially as I long since concluded your ideas fell out of the foolishness tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Or you can just continue to wallow in the Republican party being one big uncivilized mentally deranged joke. It’s up to you.
And as long nobody asked me, let me tell you something else…
Never entrust Mitt Romney with a state secret. If he were captured by enemy agents, all they would need to do is put him in front of a room full of rich people and he’d sing like a bird.
So now he’s telling everyone that Obama was giving “gifts” to those notorious fatcats, the young and minorities.
Governor, it’s November 18th. You can stop losing the election any time now.
There are those who think David Petraeus was treated unfairly because he lost his job over an affair, a personal failing.
The guy in charge of our spy network lost his job because he couldn’t keep a secret.
I fail to see the injustice.
The CIA has been a source of embarrassment for some time now because it has made the wrong call over and over again, to the point where CI should stand for Compulsively Incorrect.
This nonsense is its crowning achievement in embarrassment because we now have to explain to the world why our top intelligence and military officials have decided to star in The Real Housewives of Centcom.
I have no idea about Jill Kelley’s politics, nor am I bothered to find out. But when she called 911 to have the media chased from in front of her house and told the operator she was a diplomat because someone once called her an “honorary consul” because of her hostess with the mostest schtick with the military elite in Tampa, I couldn’t help but think she must be a Republican.
She’s certainly delusional enough.
I’ll just say this about Lennon Cihak, a Minnesota teenager, allegedly being denied Confirmation by a Father Gary LaMoine for displaying a pro-same-sex marriage poster on his Facebook page:
Father LaMoine, suppose this kid displayed a poster calling for an end to labor unions even though the Church has long been a friend to organized labor? What if he posted something about how much he loved Ayn Rand, whose writings are as anti-Christian as they come? Would that have made him unfit for Confirmation?
Or would it have just made him Paul Ryan?
As a Mets’ fan I shouldn’t have any grounds to stuff anybody’s words back down anybody’s throat. My team finished 74-88. That’s better than a lot of people thought they’d do, but still I should have no “I told you so” moral high ground.
That’s why I’m so grateful to a friend who spent several paragraphs during the All-Star Game telling me in a Facebook post how R.A. Dickey was pitching way above his head and that he would come crashing down to Earth any time. After Dickey came out of the All-Star break and authored a couple of shaky starts, the same guy posted to me “is it too early to say R.A. Dickey has regressed to the mean?”
One Cy Young award later, I think I can confidently say yes.
Now just let me pour some ketchup over all those nouns and verbs of yours.