Friday was my fifth wedding anniversary. Last year, my standard joke was that my wife was choosing to re-elect me for four more years as her husband. Now that we’re at five years, my gag is that we’re going for another five-year plan. There aren’t many wives who would take with good humor having their marriage compared to infamously poor economic policy undertaken by communist governments. But Kelly isn’t many wives. No one is the wife Kelly is. In keeping with the Marxist theme, I submit to you the following list– twenty-seven items for July 27th, 2007, the best day of my life.
Twenty-Seven Reasons Why My Wife Is Better than Communism
27. You ever see a pictures of V.I. Lenin in a bikini? No. There’s a reason. There are pictures of my wife in a bikini. Oh my great good Lord is there ever an overwhelmingly fantastic reason.
26. If my wife is ever annoyed with me, at worst I’m banished to the couch, which is a damned sight better than being banished to some frozen hell in Siberia. Besides, we live in Massachusetts. Anyone who has experienced January up here knows that Siberia is like bloody Bermuda by comparison.
25. My wife supports universal health care. And as anyone with a brain in his head knows, universal health care is not communism!
24. My wife works the night shift at a big downtown hotel. If you have the first idea of what it’s like to work at a downtown hotel at night, then you know that my wife’s toughness makes the Red Army look like the Salvation Army.
23. Unlike most Communist states, my wife actually respects workers’ rights. My kids get a cookie for cleaning their room. That puts their pay rate ahead of that of the average Nike employee in Beijing.
22. My wife and I have two children and we’re expecting twins in November– obviously any weird backwards rule about prohibiting families with more than one child is a non-starter.
21. The closest my wife ever came to putting weapons of mass destruction in Cuba was when we went down to Key West for a wedding and she left me and my friends Bill and Mario in a bar without adult supervision. Of course, some would argue this was far more dangerous and irresponsible.
20. I am able to freely practice my religion, provided I bring Dunkin’ Donuts home afterward.
19. Communism frequently uses the color red to symbolize the blood of the workers who died at the hands of capitalism. My wife frequently uses red because if you’ve ever seen my wife in red, you’d know she looks….well, uh…sorry, my mind drifted away for a second, what were we talking about again? Actually, I think I’m going to let my mind drift back to where it was for a while.
18. North Korea can’t feed its own people. My wife not only feeds a family of four, she could single-handedly solve the global problem of hunger with a handful of coupons and a trip to Market Basket if only the nations of the world would let her do their grocery shopping for them.
17. Under various Communist regimes, the authorities could make people opposed to the government simply disappear under mysterious circumstances. My wife has never made people disappear under mysterious circumstances. She watches television shows non-stop about people who disappear under mysterious circumstances on Investigation I.D., but never does anything like that herself.
16. One of Josef Stalin’s favorite expressions was “no man, no problem.” Clearly my wife opposes such thinking. She has a man and thus an almost never-ending stream of problems.
15. Communism has been at it for a good century or so now and still not been able to cure human misery despite its claims that it can do just that. Meanwhile, if my children are ever miserable, my wife can make it better instantly with one hug.
14. Come to think of it, that works pretty well on me when I’m miserable too.
13. I have never once seen some idiot teenager wearing my wife’s face on a t-shirt because either the little ignoramus has no idea what my wife really stands for and really did in her life or just doesn’t care what she stands for and she did in her life, all that matters is that this shirt seems to irritate adults and that’s good enough.
12. No pretentious pseudo-intellectual liberal has ever had to feverishly revise and reinterpret my wife’s history to suit his own faulty conclusions about the United States and Western civilization. Especially not this particular pretentious pseudo-intellectual liberal. There is nothing about my wife or my history I would ever want to revise.
11. My wife has never attempted to suppress my right to free expression even though protecting my right to free expression leads to tributes like this which at best qualifies as harmlessly peculiar.
10. My friends all approved of my wife right away, in part because she didn’t go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao. Thus she made it with everyone anyhow.
9. When certain elements of it began to swerve toward communist philosophy, it caused a split in Irish republicanism. When my wife joined our family, she immediately embraced our republican tendencies and never split us into Official Lillys and Provisional Lillys.
(Hey, if you know your way around Irish revolutionary history, that’s hilarious.)
8. Far from ruining national economies like it did in the former Soviet Union and throughout Eastern Europe, my wife keeps our household budget running like clockwork. This is especially impressive since I have an almost preternatural inability to save receipts.
7. My wife would never give welcome to one of the truly dangerous and insidious monsters of our time. I refer of course to Billy Crystal. Seriously, remember that lame show he did on Moscow back in the 80s in the name of “bridge-building”? How that sinkhole of unfunny didn’t put us into a war right there and then is miraculous.
6. Communist regimes are notorious for their unrelenting harshness. I can’t even imagine what my wife being harsh would look like.
5. Communism produces humorless sourpusses like Nikita Kruschev and Fidel Castro. My wife produces people like my sons Jonesy and Eamon who are both adorable and hilarious.
4. China put on some fancy opening ceremonies in Beijing for the Olympics four years ago and we’re all supposed to be in awe to this day. You ever see my wife keep the house clean? With two young children, two old cats, and the most randomizing factor of all, me? That’s something worth marveling about years down the road.
3. Communism isn’t beautiful. My wife is.
2. Communism isn’t kind and compassionate while also being smart and tough. My wife is.
1. Let’s face it, for all of its fanatical adherents over the years, has anyone ever really loved communism? Has anyone ever really been devoted to communism?
Not like I am to my wife. Kelly Michele Lilly. Five years now. I love you comrade.