A few weeks ago, Fox Business spent a good seven minutes and change excoriating the new Muppet movie for advancing an anti-corporate agenda. Just in case you very understandably disbelieve me, here’s the link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jl6ekkvWnOE). Now you might be inclined to think that this little Pulitzer Prize candidate I’ve penned here might have as its an intent to roast Fox alive for wasting everyone’s time with such a patently absurd, mean-spirited, and breathtakingly moronic accusation. But you would be as wrong as every investment banker is saintly. That segment, far from being the right-wing lunkheaded drivel so very very many people have called it, has disintegrated the scales from my eyes. At long last, I get it. I see all the terrible mistakes I’ve been making all this time. Not just by liking the Muppets, but with so many other aspects of my life, particularly with what I’ve been doing in raising my two small children (Jonesy 2 and Eamon, 11 months). Good God, what was I thinking? When I think of all I’ve done to make them into little Karl Marxes with runny noses…runny noses that I know now would only be made worse and contribute to the death of freedom if they were treated in anything that looked even a little bit like a universal health care system…well, I just can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I’ve done so much to teach them anti-American values. I’ve done nothing but surround them with things and people and ideas that serve to tear down this sweet land of liberty. DSS really should have taken them away from me a long time ago, but since it’s a government organization it’s broke as it deserves to be and they can’t get a car out here.
It’s shocking what I’ve done to these boys. It’s immoral. But it’s also not too late to make it right. And the first step to making it right is just to come clean about it. Confess my sins. Open up my soul and start the long road to redemption. And since we are approaching the New Year, it seems only appropriate that I make a clean breast of things with a New Year’s mea culpa. So here goes. I warn you now that this litany of horrors is not for the feint of heart. The following is what I did during the holidays– CHRISTMAS, I MEANT CHRISTMAS, oh geez what is wrong with me?– to teach my children to bring down the republic. Let’s start with some of the Communist propaganda I read to them:
1. “Woodhoopoe Willie” , “The Eight Nights of Hanukkah”, and “Engineer Ari and the Hanukkah Mishap”
Based on those titles, you might assume that these were all harmless children’s stories filled with charming characters and gentle humor that try to teach about the traditions associated with holidays in various cultures in order to show children that people of differing belief systems are in fact very similar to them in many ways.
You might assume that…if Keith Olbermann has already gotten to you.
If you see these insidious tomes for what they are, you realize that they’re just part of the war on Christmas. The same movement that forces your kids to do some lame “winter solstice” pageant at school and treats you like a criminal if you say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays” when you’re checking out at CVS is responsible for this brainwashing material that tries to make pseudoholidays like Kwanzaa and Hanukkah as important as Christmas, the only real holiday at this time of year and certainly the only one any real American would ever celebrate. It used to be that Christmas was all you ever heard about at this time of year. Now look around: did you see Santa Claus or Christmas trees anywhere in the media this past December? The anti-Christmas brigade won’t be happy until Christmas has been driven completely underground and it’s people like Virginia Kroll and Katherine Roundtree (author and illustrator for “Woodhoopoe Willie”), Leslea Newman and Elivia Savadier (author and illustrator for “The Eight Nights of Hanukkah”) and Deborah Bodin Cohen and Shahar Kober (author and illustrator of “Engineer Ari”) and the rest of the ultra-powerful picture-book lobby that give the anti-Christmas militants their power.
But ultimately it’s my fault my kids were exposed to this liberal thought control stuff. I took all those books out of a library too. I should’ve known a government entitlement program like that would be the source of such trouble.
I’ve only just begun to spill my guts here. That’s just what I read to my kids these last few weeks. There was plenty more I did to indoctrinate them to progressive ideology, like this for example:
2. The Teachers’ Holiday Party
Of course a holiday party with teachers. It couldn’t possibly be a Christmas party.
I should explain that this particular mistake is part of on an ongoing error I’m allowing to be committed with my older son. I’m helping to keep teachers employed. Right, like they need any help getting paid with that fatcat union of theirs keeping them all in their cushy gigs. Hey, it wasn’t my idea. But my son Jonesy is on the autism spectrum and my wife, a soft touch, insisted we “do what’s best for him.” Now we have these government people barging into our house every morning. That these agents of the state are caring exquisitely professional people who are passionate about helping my son and that Jonesy becomes more and more the smart, sweet, capable, hilarious little boy that he is and was always meant to be thanks to their efforts is beside the point. By going to their “holiday” party that their office organized for the families they work with, we explicitly approved of their profession and gave it even more power. If Scott Walker, the heroic governor of Wisconsin taught us anything, it’s that teachers need to be taken down a peg. They couldn’t be less necessary to the well-being of the republic. If my son has to overcome any learning challenges he might have, he should just pull himself by his own bootstraps and figure it out for himself. But did I take that hard line? No. I just helped turn him into yet someone else looking for a handout by going along with my wife’s song and dance about “getting him expert help” and “giving him every advantage we could.”
You think this is rock bottom? We haven’t reached the ground floor yet. The basement is looming beneath us now– the toys I gave my children for Christmas. At least I had the decency to call them Christmas presents and not “seasonal festival gifts” or whatever they’d say in Communist China (which coincidentally is where most of my kids’ presents were made). I’ll spare you the whole fiasco and focus on the two worst offenders.
3a. Rocket Ship Mickey
On the surface, this seems perfectly benign. It’s a little rocket with a Mickey Mouse action figure. It lights up and makes rocket noises. It has a little moon rover you can put inside the rocket. It’s Mickey Mouse for the love of Harry. Both my boys adore Mickey Mouse. What’s the problem here?
The problem can only be found if you apply the logic of Glenn Beck like I have. The problem is what this toy celebrates. What it celebrates is the ultimate in the wasteful spending of a corpulent Federal budget. It glorifies the pointless pathetic money-hole that is NASA.
If ever there was a government program that needed to be eradicated and that was the darling of the liberal intelligentsia, this is it. Year after year billions and billions of dollars are poured down the gullet of the waste-of-space program and for what? So that a bunch of scientists (who are second only to teachers in their subversiveness) can put a bunch of satellites in the air? Satellites that do nothing but provide their beloved “incontrovertible evidence” of man-made climate change? We all know that “man-made climate change” is just liberal code for “excuse to halt all industrial progress because we hate capitalism.” We all know these intellectuals are in the pockets of Big Environmentalism. And our tax money funds this!. These eggheads love to talk about everything they’re learning about the solar system and planets orbiting other stars and write it off as deepening our understanding of the universe and our place in it or fostering the innate desire of mankind to know and to explore and blah blah blah. That’s all very nice Dr. Spock but all I know is that NASA was started by liberal super-hero John F. Kennedy, we’ve thrown billions of dollars at it, and for all the knowledge we’ve allegedly gained about all these different planets in this and other solar systems, we haven’t started drilling for oil on even one of them. And have we conquered any alien races yet? Alien races that you know could come after us at any time? But let’s not focus on that. Let’s put Mickey Mouse on a rocket ship and pretend everything is just fine. Let’s make our kids think that space exploration is fun and exciting. Meanwhile our job creators are stuck with the tab run up by the left-wing ivory tower set.
3b. Learn and Groove First Words Radio
This is without the question the nadir, the absolute floor of the lowly valley that is my anti-patriotic sin. This toy teaches about the worst thing I could possibly teach to my kids. This toy endorses criminal behavior. This thing uses pictures and sounds to teach babies about my son Eamon’s age their first words– in both English and Spanish.
First of all, this toy obviously tries to deny English its rightful place as the official language of the United States and therefore the only language that anyone should ever speak at any time anywhere in this country. This country was founded by the English and absolutely no one else and and to speak anything but the mother tongue is an insult to England, our mother country, our noble ally, and let’s face it, the only other worthwhile country on Earth besides us. But that just the tip of el icebergo here. It’s not just that this toy relegates English to second-class status. By promoting Spanish, it’s promoting criminality. Our homeland is inundated every day by more and more immigrants. It’s bad enough that they’re coming at all, but virtually all of them are coming into this country illegally. Then when they get here they either take jobs from real Americans or sell drugs or try to commit acts of terrorism. We should be building a fence across the entire southtwestern border. We should allow our law enforcement officials to stop anyone they want at any time and demand ID and then hold for questioning anyone whose last name ends in a Z. But do we do any of that? Please. In this Era of the Limp Wrist, we invite to come over. Welcome amigos! Come right in and cause our unemployment and crime rates to skyrocket! You’ll be perfectly at home here. Spanish is spoken everywhere! We’re making a special point of teaching it to our children from an early age! Just for you! We’re even thinking of making bull-fighting the new national pastime! Ole!
Oh, but it’s just a cute little toy that enhances language skills, and studies show learning a second language early in life speeds brain development, and let’s embrace other cultures and boo hoo and kumbayah and I’d like to buy the world a Coke. Come off it. We all know what’s going on here. We all know it will keep happening unless someone finally has the courage to stand up to the radicals that are trying to destroy our fair and free land. If we can’t stop it at the toy level, where can we stop it?
I resolve now here at the end of 2011 to start doing my part. I’ve been a liberal zombie for far too long. I’ve let myself be duped and my children be corrupted in all sorts of subtle and nefarious ways for years now. Well it ends here. No more Muppets. No more treating those who would do absolutely anything to become richer than Midas as anything other than patriots. No more celebrating other people’s traditions. No more treating government employees and wasteful government spending like either is acceptable. No more letting our heritage take a back seat to the heritage of criminals. And more teaching any anti-American values to my children.
It’s time to take a stand. It took Fox Business to make me realize it.